Wonderful and evocative as ever, Irina. I have wondered at times, too, about the gendering of effort. With apologies for thinking in such binary terms (but these were the terms of my youth), and I don't know if I'd have enough cases to be sure it wasn't a coincidence, but it seemed to me that boys/ young men I grew up around were celebrated for dedicated effort, for trying a new thing, guitar, a new sport, for being in the process of becoming something, and girls for *being* something, i.e., pretty, talented, smart. The exception was in sports, with the obvious need for regular practice with the team. The implicit idea was--and it could've been just my limited interpretation as a young person, combined with immigrant realities, as you say--that it was embarrassing to try because it meant you weren't already TALENTED (also read: good, valuable, worthy of love), which was innate and not a thing that could be trained. That idea messed me up for a long time, and your first essay on ballet (that I read) several years ago was one of the things that helped me rethink it.
I think there's something to this, and it's probably compounded by the fact that boys usually have more exposure to team sports (at least in the countries I've lived). I wonder if it's connected to my informal observation that women tend to be more perfectionistic.
To the extent that women tend to be perfectionist (and at least in the US I think they do), I think it’s because that’s demanded of them. The emotional bar for men, including fathers, is *so* much lower for men. We demand that women be caring, forgiving, empathetic; we expect from men that they “provide” and “succeed. And it diminishes all genders.
Yes, I have made that connection as well re: perfectionism and gender. There was a relevant article in Harper's or the Atlantic a few years ago, I'll see if I can dig it up.
This is the article I was thinking about, though, the content is not quite what I had remembered, and I'd need to read it again more closely for a general reappraisal (for example, I'd be curious how this analysis might now be informed by current understandings neurodivergence, trauma, etc.). The very relevant bit starts about halfway, and there is some solid stuff there about women and perfectionism. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/05/the-confidence-gap/359815/
Minunată explicație și piruetă în jurul verbului 'a se screme'!
Sometimes I read your work and have to stop and remind myself that it's not me you are talking about (but there are so many similarities, the Romanian heritage, the immigrant emotions, even the ballet). A pleasure to read you, however infrequently!
I just found you here on Substack today, but really enjoy your writing and insights. Thanks for being so honest and open. This whole piece feels almost like a push into Zen. I know this probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense (my mind goes down rabbit holes sometimes), but it reminded me of a movie called "The Tao of Steve." I think it's worth a watch, even though it may sort of be a "guy movie." It's worth a few laughs if nothing else. Anyways, keep up the great writing!
I do not remember when or how I subscribed the newsletter but some of your articles are dropping into my mailbox. I'm not complaining about this and actually I like the artlcles that some of your articles really resonates with me which is really rare. Especially the one about new years personal goals. Because I also like to keep the scores of what have I accomplished and what more I can accomplish in the next year.
And this one is also a really good one. For the last few years I try so hard to accomplish something. A side job but since I have limited time I cannot advanced in that as much as I want. I tried to integrate many things to increase the progress (from related listening e-books on commute time to get up two hours before work).
But in the end, this article helps to enlighten me where I'm in. "A se screme" is the state I'm in right now and I'm not really sure writing on bus ticket will help. However now I know that I needed to look from another angle to solve this.
Thanks for these articles and please continue creating more of these.
Thank you so much, Mumin. Somewhere, in the past year, I read some writer/advice giver/sage suggest that we could ask ourselves, "how could this be easy?" I so rarely do that, but I think it's an interesting way to think about it. What is a way to make the task less onerous? The bus tickets are one version of that, but I can imagine others, like working somewhere nice, or playing music, or devoting a shorter amount of time to something, etc. etc.
I wish I knew who had said that, I would give credit!
I understand the perspective of "how could this be easy?" but I'm not sure that this may be applicable into my situation in practice. Even so, I will try that.
This reminds me a bit of the Renaissance concept of "sprezzatura": you were supposed to show off your skill, but not seem laboured while doing so (or tell people how hard you've worked at it!) - a bit like what we'd call "coolness" today... not quite what you're getting at, but popped to mind!
Beautiful read, thanks! Made me think of how I "suddenly understood everything" after 2 years of tons of effort into learning Persian (my dad's language which he neglected teaching me as a kid). It was an incredible slog and I was completly blocked (emotionally, I mean). I can't say I felt much ease in slaving away, but I do remember that moment when my ears suddenly unclogged and I just got everything they were saying on a podcast. It felt like things were just flowing into my ear without me trying at all. All the channels were just open, felt like I didn't consciously make any attempt. Although this moment of not-trying (daoist, almost) came after trying a LOT for many months... What a curious magical thing when it "ALL COHERES" as T.S. Eliot says in his Greek tragedy play...
Also, what you’re describing sounds a lot to me like “play.” Which we often, I think, get schooled and worked out of doing. I once had an academic colleague disparage Kurt Vonnegut as “a humorist.” And in that description, I caught the whiff of a judgment that Vonnegut seemed at times to be having too much fun. I say there’s no such thing, as long your being present and real. And full disclosure, I struggled with pirouettes too.
Yes, I had written about that before (as you know) and didn't want to get into it too much here. I think what I'm getting at here is an ease that is not play, per se -- can be quite serious -- but that's connected to play.
Yes, this reminds me of "deep play," a term anthropogist Clifford Geertz borrowed from the philosopher Jeremy Bentham. If I understand it correctly, for Bentham it's an irrational pursuit where the risk of loss outstrips the possibility of gain: you stand to lose more than you stand to materially. But Geertz used it to explain the investment of time, money, and energy Balinese men expend in cockfighting. The potential gain isn't material; it's personal and cultural, social and symbolic. That absolutely fits with how I see writing and art and dance. The chances of significant material gain aren't great, but emotionally, symbolically, and intellectually, the play is worth the investment.
I wonder if this applies to other kinds of work too. (Partly because I'm reading this while lying on the couch absolutely knackered by a long, hard week at work).
But great reading nonetheless, and I always love the ballet tidbits when they make it into essays. ❤️❤️❤️
Being in the same time sloppy/negligent and on the other hand focused on details and experiencing a soothing will to do things well sounds contradictory, confusing but it’s worth trying. I think both can offer satisfaction.
Your way of describing these emotions makes it interesting.
Wonderful and evocative as ever, Irina. I have wondered at times, too, about the gendering of effort. With apologies for thinking in such binary terms (but these were the terms of my youth), and I don't know if I'd have enough cases to be sure it wasn't a coincidence, but it seemed to me that boys/ young men I grew up around were celebrated for dedicated effort, for trying a new thing, guitar, a new sport, for being in the process of becoming something, and girls for *being* something, i.e., pretty, talented, smart. The exception was in sports, with the obvious need for regular practice with the team. The implicit idea was--and it could've been just my limited interpretation as a young person, combined with immigrant realities, as you say--that it was embarrassing to try because it meant you weren't already TALENTED (also read: good, valuable, worthy of love), which was innate and not a thing that could be trained. That idea messed me up for a long time, and your first essay on ballet (that I read) several years ago was one of the things that helped me rethink it.
I think there's something to this, and it's probably compounded by the fact that boys usually have more exposure to team sports (at least in the countries I've lived). I wonder if it's connected to my informal observation that women tend to be more perfectionistic.
To the extent that women tend to be perfectionist (and at least in the US I think they do), I think it’s because that’s demanded of them. The emotional bar for men, including fathers, is *so* much lower for men. We demand that women be caring, forgiving, empathetic; we expect from men that they “provide” and “succeed. And it diminishes all genders.
Yes, I have made that connection as well re: perfectionism and gender. There was a relevant article in Harper's or the Atlantic a few years ago, I'll see if I can dig it up.
This is the article I was thinking about, though, the content is not quite what I had remembered, and I'd need to read it again more closely for a general reappraisal (for example, I'd be curious how this analysis might now be informed by current understandings neurodivergence, trauma, etc.). The very relevant bit starts about halfway, and there is some solid stuff there about women and perfectionism. https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2014/05/the-confidence-gap/359815/
Thank you, I look forward to reading this!
I’m so happy to be able to read your work again! And I love what you have to say about writing, as always.
Minunată explicație și piruetă în jurul verbului 'a se screme'!
Sometimes I read your work and have to stop and remind myself that it's not me you are talking about (but there are so many similarities, the Romanian heritage, the immigrant emotions, even the ballet). A pleasure to read you, however infrequently!
What a great thing to write -- thank you, I'm glad to hear it.
I just found you here on Substack today, but really enjoy your writing and insights. Thanks for being so honest and open. This whole piece feels almost like a push into Zen. I know this probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense (my mind goes down rabbit holes sometimes), but it reminded me of a movie called "The Tao of Steve." I think it's worth a watch, even though it may sort of be a "guy movie." It's worth a few laughs if nothing else. Anyways, keep up the great writing!
Yes, I think there is a bit of that! And I'll look up the movie -- thank you.
Hi there,
I do not remember when or how I subscribed the newsletter but some of your articles are dropping into my mailbox. I'm not complaining about this and actually I like the artlcles that some of your articles really resonates with me which is really rare. Especially the one about new years personal goals. Because I also like to keep the scores of what have I accomplished and what more I can accomplish in the next year.
And this one is also a really good one. For the last few years I try so hard to accomplish something. A side job but since I have limited time I cannot advanced in that as much as I want. I tried to integrate many things to increase the progress (from related listening e-books on commute time to get up two hours before work).
But in the end, this article helps to enlighten me where I'm in. "A se screme" is the state I'm in right now and I'm not really sure writing on bus ticket will help. However now I know that I needed to look from another angle to solve this.
Thanks for these articles and please continue creating more of these.
Thank you so much, Mumin. Somewhere, in the past year, I read some writer/advice giver/sage suggest that we could ask ourselves, "how could this be easy?" I so rarely do that, but I think it's an interesting way to think about it. What is a way to make the task less onerous? The bus tickets are one version of that, but I can imagine others, like working somewhere nice, or playing music, or devoting a shorter amount of time to something, etc. etc.
I wish I knew who had said that, I would give credit!
Hi Irina,
When I googled I found the below article from Molly Grisham and I guess you are refering to this one.
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/how-could-easy-molly-grisham/?trk=articles_directory
I understand the perspective of "how could this be easy?" but I'm not sure that this may be applicable into my situation in practice. Even so, I will try that.
Thanks.
That wasn't it, but also worth reading!
This reminds me a bit of the Renaissance concept of "sprezzatura": you were supposed to show off your skill, but not seem laboured while doing so (or tell people how hard you've worked at it!) - a bit like what we'd call "coolness" today... not quite what you're getting at, but popped to mind!
Beautiful read, thanks! Made me think of how I "suddenly understood everything" after 2 years of tons of effort into learning Persian (my dad's language which he neglected teaching me as a kid). It was an incredible slog and I was completly blocked (emotionally, I mean). I can't say I felt much ease in slaving away, but I do remember that moment when my ears suddenly unclogged and I just got everything they were saying on a podcast. It felt like things were just flowing into my ear without me trying at all. All the channels were just open, felt like I didn't consciously make any attempt. Although this moment of not-trying (daoist, almost) came after trying a LOT for many months... What a curious magical thing when it "ALL COHERES" as T.S. Eliot says in his Greek tragedy play...
Also, what you’re describing sounds a lot to me like “play.” Which we often, I think, get schooled and worked out of doing. I once had an academic colleague disparage Kurt Vonnegut as “a humorist.” And in that description, I caught the whiff of a judgment that Vonnegut seemed at times to be having too much fun. I say there’s no such thing, as long your being present and real. And full disclosure, I struggled with pirouettes too.
Yes, I had written about that before (as you know) and didn't want to get into it too much here. I think what I'm getting at here is an ease that is not play, per se -- can be quite serious -- but that's connected to play.
Yes, this reminds me of "deep play," a term anthropogist Clifford Geertz borrowed from the philosopher Jeremy Bentham. If I understand it correctly, for Bentham it's an irrational pursuit where the risk of loss outstrips the possibility of gain: you stand to lose more than you stand to materially. But Geertz used it to explain the investment of time, money, and energy Balinese men expend in cockfighting. The potential gain isn't material; it's personal and cultural, social and symbolic. That absolutely fits with how I see writing and art and dance. The chances of significant material gain aren't great, but emotionally, symbolically, and intellectually, the play is worth the investment.
I wonder if this applies to other kinds of work too. (Partly because I'm reading this while lying on the couch absolutely knackered by a long, hard week at work).
But great reading nonetheless, and I always love the ballet tidbits when they make it into essays. ❤️❤️❤️
Ha! But I do think being knackered requires rest, not better techniques. But maybe that's exactly what you meant!
Seeing as I'm replying this 4 days later, you're right of course. Unfortunately rest is not exactly something I can afford right now. #HePersevered
I don't want to be mediocre, this is the fear of my soul and my body.
Mircea Eliade
Being in the same time sloppy/negligent and on the other hand focused on details and experiencing a soothing will to do things well sounds contradictory, confusing but it’s worth trying. I think both can offer satisfaction.
Your way of describing these emotions makes it interesting.